# Tinder scam explained by criminal psychologist | Julia Shaw and Lex Fridman *Lex Clips* ยท https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNd9YYsvjWQ ## Summary Criminal psychologist Julia Shaw explains the Tinder Swindler case to Lex Fridman: a man who posed as rich on Tinder, love-bombed women, and defrauded Cecilia of large sums through fake emergencies. They discuss why fraud works on anyone, how AI could make tailored love scams more effective, and how similar manipulation appears as coercive control in ordinary relationships. ## Key points - The Tinder Swindler posed as a rich man on Tinder and quickly love-bombed women he matched with. - He used expensive dates, like trips to Paris and his private jet, to prove his supposed wealth while building a story of a future together. - He defrauded Cecilia by claiming he was in a critical situation, leading her to take out loans and get money from family until she ran out. - Fraud works because scammers tell people what they want to hear, and a tailored scam could appeal to almost anyone. - Victims of fraud are often unfairly framed as gullible rather than as nice people who wanted to believe in love. - AI could make tailored love scams more effective by exploiting emotional vulnerability. - Coercive control in relationships includes weaponizing control of finances, for example by giving an 'allowance' instead of treating money as shared. - Jealousy can also be used as a tool of coercive control. ## Notes ### The Tinder Swindler scam - A man on Tinder pretended to be rich, with a lavish lifestyle, and quickly love-bombed the women he matched with. - He messaged from his private jet and invited women like Cecilia on luxurious dates, such as whisking them away to Paris or expensive restaurants. - He simultaneously built up a story of a future together, using language like imagining their kids in the garden or planning a wedding on the third date. ### How the fraud unfolded - Cecilia was looking for love, so the manipulation worked well on her. - He claimed he was being followed and under attack, a classic fraud setup, and needed her to pay for things like flights. - She took out loans and her family gave her money until she ran out and realized it was a love scam. ### Why anyone can fall for fraud - Fraud works because scammers know what we want to hear and tell us exactly that. - Julia Shaw argues there is a tailored version of fraud that could appeal to basically everybody if someone has enough information about you. - Lex Fridman notes that AI could increasingly produce these tailored stories, and love is a topic where that would be especially effective. - Victims are often unfairly framed as gullible; Shaw says it's important to see them as nice people who wanted to believe someone was capable of loving them. ### Coercive control in relationships - Similar manipulative patterns appear in ordinary relationships, not just scams. - Coercive control includes taking control of finances, often along traditional gender lines, and weaponizing it with language like "I'm going to give you your allowance." - Jealousy can also be used as a tool of coercive control. ## Transcript [00:02] So, one more episode, you interviewed the lady Cecilia, who got Tinder swindled. Can you tell what happened with the Tinder swindle situation? - So, the Tinder Swindler, that was a person who pretended on Tinder to be a rich guy who had this lavish lifestyle, and he would match with women on Tinder, and very quickly love-bomb them. So he would send them all kinds of messages and immediately start being very emotional, very sharing, pretend that he's messaging from his private jet, or actually message from his private jet, but pretend that he's in love with this person very quickly. And then he would invite women, in this case Cecilia, to very expensive, luxurious dates. So he would whisk them away to Paris, or he would show them [00:51] his private jet, or he would take them to a really expensive restaurant, almost to prove that he, in fact, is this really wealthy guy. And he would simultaneously be building up the story of a future together. You see this in people who are really problematic in relationships in a lot of ways. I mean, this is not just in scams or in criminal settings, but problematic relationship styles often involve someone who is creating this idea of a future together that you can just see it now. You know, "Our kids in the garden running around. You're the only one for me." That kind of language, like almost planning your wedding on the third date. That kind of thing is what he would weaponize. And she, Cecilia, was looking for love. She wanted all of those [01:38] things, and so it worked really well. He ended up doing is defrauding her of lots of money, and she ended up taking out loans, and her family were giving her money to help what he was saying was this critical situation. Very classic fraud. It's a critical situation where he was being followed, he was under attack, and he needed her to pay for some things. He needed her to pay for some flights, until she ran out of money. And then she realized that this all was a big fraud. This was a love scam. So, the reason that we spoke with her is partly to show how it can happen, and I think it's really important to remind people that this is something everybody is capable of believing. Fraud works because people [02:23] know what we want to hear, and they tell us the things we want to hear. And so, I think all of us, there's a tailored version of fraud that could appeal to basically everybody if they have enough information about you. - Yeah, and by the way now, in modern day, AI could probably better and better do that kind of thing. Do the tailored version of the story that you want to believe, and love is a topic on which that would be especially effective. - Yeah, because you're playing with people's emotions, and you know that they're vulnerable in that way. And most people want to be loved and want to love, and so it's a really manipulative way in, and I think it's really horrible, but it's also something that we all [03:09] almost underestimate. So we think, "I would identify fraud. I would know if someone was trying to scam me of money," until it happens to us, and then we go, "Oh, wait. That did just happen." And then we get really embarrassed. And so I think talking about it is really important, and seeing it as not this thing that happens to dumb people, because that is sometimes how it's framed. It's like, "Oh, such an idiot." "She was so gullible." Was she? Or was she just a nice person who wanted to believe that this person was capable of loving her, which I would hope we all are. - Yeah, and I hope she and others that fall victim to that kind of thing don't become cynical and keep trying. - Yeah. Yeah, that's right, that's right. [03:47] - Those kinds of things can really destroy your ability to be vulnerable to the world. But, I mean, it sounds like this same kind of thing is just commonplace in all kinds of relationships. That's the puzzle that it could be a... If you find yourself inside of a toxic relationship with a, quote, "Love bombing," It could be a lot of manipulative, fraud type of things, right, inside a relationship. ...in this spectrum. - Well, and coercive control is becoming more of an issue, where that's when somebody, for example, in a relationship takes control of the finances, and that's often a man in a relationship. That's sort of traditionally because it falls often along these gender lines. But the problem is if that [04:25] person then starts to weaponize the fact that they're controlling the finances and starts using words like, "I'm going to give you your allowance," instead of going, "You've paid as much into this as I have, and so this is our shared money," and starts using that and controlling things and controlling how the other person lives in that relationship, that's when you get into things that are called coercive control. And things like jealousy can also be used in that way.